Naughty, naughty! I know you have already attached several sordid meanings to my purely innocent headline. Allow me to make it crystal clear. I am referring to a furry feline, the kind found lounging around dustbins on deserted streets, the kind that rubs itself against you begging for a stroking—why do I get the feeling that I’m making things worse for myself?
Well, anyway back to lessons my cat (and by extension his mother) taught me about that confusing species known as man. First of all, my cat is very male (go ahead think what you will). His name is Saga Boy and now he has four girlfriends-all of whom will turn up loudly demanding child support every three months. I have observed his behavior since kittenhood, and I have come to a startling conclusion—if you treat your cat like a man, and your man like a cat, both will be outrageously happy.
When your cat limps home, exhausted from a night of picking fights and sowing his seeds (in every fertile field), yell at him and lock him out of the house. That way you’ll clear his head and give him a day’s uninterrupted sleep. He’ll be completely refreshed when he wakes up in the evening and ready to face another potentially backbreaking night. When your man comes turns up, exhausted from a wild night of picking fights and sowing his seeds etc., pat him lightly on the head, feed him a bowl of milk and put him to sleep in your bed. He’ll appreciate you solicitous attention and nurturing that will allow him to face another potentially back-breaking night.
And then of course there’s the ‘something the cat dragged in’ syndrome. Sidestep the carnage and make him (the cat) clean it up himself. He’ll enjoy munching the juicy bones and bloody flesh thoroughly. When faced with something your man dragged in (like ten tonnes of callallo bush or unshelled shrimp) yell at him and throw it in the garbage.
Finally when it’s a wet, cold night and you’re huddled under the covers—let the cat in and put the man out.