Ribbons of smoke wind their way up from the stick of incense; fading into nothingness and leaving behind them their strong and sticky odour…I am sitting here in the deep darkness of the night, taking in the hum and click of the fan; the soft and steady drumbeat of the ocean; the giggles and murmurings of my neighbour sitting talking to a man outside. I am aware of the feeling of the cloth against my skin…the coarseness of my skirt made from cheap and beautiful Indian cotton, as it lies there, draping around my toes,. I can feel the heaviness of my bangles. The straw mat underneath me pricks me, yet feels like it shifts to cushion my weight. Someone has just turned on a TV, as a car drives slowly by. The only lights I see are the bright screen of my laptop, and the reflection of the light from the street lamp outside, which glides over the grill and sneaks through my window to create a fancy curved pattern on the wall of my living room.
I am taking deep breaths and becoming aware of the moment, and the one that follows it, and the one right after that…I am focussing on the physical feeling of being here, while probing the different parts of mySelf to touch what lies in there, and to listen to any answers that may be whispered into my tilted ear.
The feeling which overcomes me is Calm. The sounds of the moment(s) are comforting…reminding me of some time past that I cannot quite remember, but which my Spirit recognises in a hearbeat. Underneath the calm pulse other things, those-thoughts-and-emotions-that-drove-me-to-sit-on-a-straw-mat-in-the-dark-in-front-of-a-laptop and… Write.
My day was one of roller coaster rides; and as I am sitting here, I have just had a beautiful realisation that in the course of this one day I have processed millions of thoughts which generate millions of emotions and reactions…I realise that I am more cognisant of some than others; and I rub my tired knees in love and encouragement to let mySelf know that this is all a part of the process, and that I am doing just fine.
I am working things out and forging new beginnings. I am creating and re-creating on a daily…second-to-second, minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, and day-to-day basis. I am falling down and getting back up. I am taking wrong turns and right ones, but always I continue to turn. I am not throwing in the towel, or any other metaphor for giving up. I am not giving in. I am trusting more and more that I bring a Divine gift to this world…and that that Divine gift is Me.
I am loving and allowing mySelf to be loved. I am seeing mySelf in the eyes and hearts and souls of others and recognising that they see something Beauty-full and amazing in me…and I am learning to trust them when they show that they see it. I am learning to give love without expectations of it being returned, and acknowledging the abundance in which it is being heaped on me. I am enjoying connecting with people I do not know. I am enjoying getting to know them, if even for ten minutes.
I am choosing not to take people for granted, recognising how much it hurts when others do that to me. I am asking more questions, and learning to listen to answers…both those I love, and those I cannot stomach.
I am learning to speak up for myself without conflict or apology.
In this perfect moment, I am still not in possession of some things; but I am the Owner of many.many.many more. For over a moth, my car has been in the shop, which has forced me to take the bus and to walk…and I am walking to places I have never seen (after almost 16 years in Kingston), nor would have; and so I thankfully accept that for now, I am carless. I am thankful for what I have because I know that there is an abundant store of goodness which I am already experiencing, and which exists without limit or end.
I find mySelf wanting to stand and sit with people and talk. I want to Speak. I have something to say that can only be said by/like me. My voice sometimes catches in my throat because as big as my mouth is, I feel that I have not yet begun to share the vastness of my words…and sometimes I wonder if I know how…but I do know how.
I want to massage places that hurt, both in others and mySelf…and to touch the faces of babies, boys, #women, girls and men to assure us all that our beauty goes beyond the size of breasts, the length of hair, the smoothness or clour of skin, or the girth of penises. I want to remind us of the overused cliche that Beauty lies within, and to assure mySelf and others that the reason the saying still exists is because it is as true as Time. The Beauty within each of us is as individual as our thumbprint, and I find myself looking forward to exploring Beauty in her changing skins.
In this moment I am calm…happy…thankful…aware…tired…deep breathing…mellow…greasy…anxious…pensive…I am here.
Original Source: Trodding Within